Because the world is still letting Justin Bieber play dress up as a popstar despite the fact it stopped being cute the moment it first happened, Justin has pulled the age old teen star growing old trick of becoming what we’ll call a “doodoo head” just in case he reads this, because it’s uncouth to swear in-front of children.
At his London concert at The O2 Arena, Biebs kept everyone awake WAYYYYY past their bedtime by not bothering to stroll on-stage at his 9.30 call-time after THREE HOURS OF SUPPORTING ACTS. He instead decided on rocking up on stage sometime between 10.10 and 10.30.
Biebs arrived to a shower of BOOS by his sacred beloved fans, which must have been a hot new shade of “????” for his precious ears only used to the sound of ear piercing screams and tired beats from Justin Timberlake’s 2002 reject demo’s that now appear in all of his albums.
Hilariously, Biebs took to Twitter to ask Elle Fanning if she wanted to come out to play to apologise, but NAHT REALLY.
Bieber stated “Last night I was scheduled after 3 opening acts to go on stage at 935 not 830 but because of some technical issues I got on at 10:10,” he wrote.
“There is no excuse and I apologise for anyone we upset. However it was great show and I’m proud of that.”
Technical Issues? The only Technical Issue here is that Biebs technically refused to strut out on stage until he’d completed the final season of the Teletubbies before rounding that out with Balamory and the glamorous shit that is PC Plum.
If anyone in Biebs’ team had ever been to the O2 Arena, they’d know that you have to evacuate the dancefloor in that joint at 11.30 at the very latest to get your ass anywhere, because it’s based in “North Greenwich” which might as well be “a field in the middle of Sussex”.
Seriously, Biebers fans probably collapsed in their mum’s arms around 1.30am when they finally crawled home having had to leave the show early to do so. Apparently concert promoter AEG has agreed to refund people on a “case by case basis” which is funny because I would have thought they’d have done it as a gesture of goodwill for anyone who had to sit through a Justin Bieber concert.
In a TOP STORY ON BBC NEWS, The Queen is in hospital as a “precaution” after she contracted gastroenteritis. Translation: THE QUEEN TOTALLY HAS THE SHITTY SHIT SHITS.
Gastroenteritis is no joke. I can’t tell you how many hours i spent literally stationed next to the toilet when I had that shit. But if id gone to hospital they would have LAUGH LAUGH LAUGHED me home as i gently dribbled poop down my leg. However, I am not an 86 year old woman, so the queen will be totally hooked up to a gold plated drip that feeds her system with the best kind of saline available.
The queen will not be going to Rome this week, as she’s too busy literally shitting her insides out. A likely excuse, I think the Queen just didn’t want to deal with any pope-y drama right now. She’s doing this to Rome.
Lara Croft, the seminal star of the Tomb Raider game series, has fuelled surgery rumours after she went from what one fashion critic called “a series of triangles stuck together” to a 21 year old.
Beauty industry insiders believe Lara’s transformation could be down to either restalyne or a bunch of guys masturbating a lot infront of their computers.
Lara’s last look was “big tittied 30 something goth” with weird glowing eyes and so her new look, in which she appears to be emerging from puberty, comes with more than a few raised eyebrows.
“I think she’s definitely had some cheek implants removed” said a cosmetic surgery guru.”With brow reshaping, a significant breast reduction, laser resurfacing, dermal filler removal, multiple surgeries on her nose to remove its angular nature, hair extensions, and chin implants removed with plenty of botox. She’s had serious smoothing done because as you can see above, everything about her was very Hilary Swank before, but now she looks more Jennifer Lawrence. Her old look had her aged by at least a decade due to the extensive surgery she had done. What she’s done here is reverse a lot of those procedures and seam up the sides with botox.”
Lara’s spokesperson released a statement in which he denied that his client has ever dabbled in surgery, a denial Lara has repeated in GAME and PLAY magazines on numerous occasions throughout her career as a submissive symbol to male fantasy. Most recently, in 2007 she said “The talk of any surgery is obviously ridiculous, because im not fucking real.”
When Piper Perabo agreed to be on Access Hollywood in her favourite Victoria Beckham knockoff to pimp her show she didn’t think she was supposed to fake being totally okay and enamoured by Richard Simmons doing what Richard Simmons does best on the Access Hollywood sofa.
Whilst Piper was the shrinking and nervously giggling violet in the corner of the garden, Richard was the fucking roses, tulips AND the herb garden all at the same time, and there was definitely a couple of weeds involved in this epic masterwerk as Richard showed ALL OF THE OTHER DIVAS how to be the centre of attention for every hour of every day.
Richard is the guest at the dinner party who doesn’t let you get a damn word in, and tells everyone he’s the life and soul of the party, and makes Piper Perabo leave after half a glass of wine.
Anne Hathaway is facing huge public backlash after she murdered ten adorable puppies backstage at the 2013 Academy Awards, reasonable understanding of public reaction shows
The actress, who was on a winning streak of turning up to absolutely everything dressed correctly, winning awards and also starring in one of the biggest hits of the decade, was reportedly so giddy with joy after winning her Academy Award that she deliberately and aggressively bludgeoned an entire box of puppies with the words ”THE TOP 10 CUTEST PUPPIES IN AMERICA” scribbled on the side using her statue as she screamed to Jennifer Lawrence “Look Jen, I can use it as a sword, like Keira in Pirates!”
The fury and outrage that ensued has ripped across the internet like a wildfire, a wildfire which specifically burns talented actresses who are as professional as they are ambitious.
Whilst there is 0 actual evidence that Anne did, in fact, kill a box of puppies, it is reasonable to assume she did so given the media and public backlash that has resulted from her winning an Oscar.
“If she killed a box of puppies, I guess i get why everyone hates her” said a source close to the academy “because that shit would be really sad if people just hate her because she’s too nice, or whatever” the source continued. The source was not available for any further comment as it evaporated back to the dimension from which it came.
Jennifer Garner’s custom made Gucci dress for the 2013 Academy Awards handed each and every other dress their ass on a dress platter to become the one dress to rule them all, according to AdWeekwhich monitors social media chit chat over the Oscars.
Amy Adams’ fugly swan Oscar De La Renta affair was also most talked about, but probably because people were overwhelmingly calling the outfit fug as fuck. Closely followed by Anne Hathaway’s nipple parade in Prada and Jennifer Lawrence’s pretty flawless effort in Dior