March 2013
6 posts
3 tags
Justin Bieber is keeping his fans up past their...
Because the world is still letting Justin Bieber play dress up as a popstar despite the fact it stopped being cute the moment it first happened, Justin has pulled the age old teen star growing old trick of becoming what we’ll call a “doodoo head” just in case he reads this, because it’s uncouth to swear in-front of children.
At his London concert at The O2 Arena, Biebs...
6 tags
The Queen has the shits.
IMAGE: The Queen of the shits, Kate Winslet.
In a TOP STORY ON BBC NEWS, The Queen is in hospital as a “precaution” after she contracted gastroenteritis. Translation: THE QUEEN TOTALLY HAS THE SHITTY SHIT SHITS.
Gastroenteritis is no joke. I can’t tell you how many hours i spent literally stationed next to the toilet when I had that shit. But if id gone to hospital they would...
4 tags
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Lara Croft's plastic surgery shocker.
Lara Croft, the seminal star of the Tomb Raider game series, has fuelled surgery rumours after she went from what one fashion critic called “a series of triangles stuck together” to a 21 year old.
Beauty industry insiders believe Lara’s transformation could be down to either restalyne or a bunch of guys masturbating a lot infront of their computers.
Lara’s last look...
6 tags
Piper Perabo should take media training notes.
When Piper Perabo agreed to be on Access Hollywood in her favourite Victoria Beckham knockoff to pimp her show she didn’t think she was supposed to fake being totally okay and enamoured by Richard Simmons doing what Richard Simmons does best on the Access Hollywood sofa.
Whilst Piper was the shrinking and nervously giggling violet in the corner of the garden, Richard was the fucking...
4 tags
Anne Hathaway murdered ten puppies.
Anne Hathaway is facing huge public backlash after she murdered ten adorable puppies backstage at the 2013 Academy Awards, reasonable understanding of public reaction shows
The actress, who was on a winning streak of turning up to absolutely everything dressed correctly, winning awards and also starring in one of the biggest hits of the decade, was reportedly so giddy with joy after winning her...
February 2013
10 posts
6 tags
Jennifer Garner's dress was 'THE ONE' says...
Jennifer Garner’s custom made Gucci dress for the 2013 Academy Awards handed each and every other dress their ass on a dress platter to become the one dress to rule them all, according to AdWeek which monitors social media chit chat over the Oscars.
Amy Adams’ fugly swan Oscar De La Renta affair was also most talked about, but probably because people were overwhelmingly calling...
1 tag
AND NOW: A Picture of Catherine Zeta Jones...
Phone wallpaper, for all!
2 tags
HOLD THE PRESS: BRITNEY. SPEARS. BRUNETTE.
In a shocking development that will have vapid fans freaking out incase she’s on the path to shaving her head again, Britney Spears has gone brunette and turned up to something wearing a gown. AN ACTUAL GOWN. WHICH DOESN’T SHOW LEG.
Sure im mixed on this look as a whole, because the cut on her arms is really unflattering and her makeup and hair just don’t go with a black...
7 tags
The Oscars 2013: Jennifer Lawrence fell on her...
So basically Jennifer Lawrence is amazing and brilliant and we all love her, we really really love her. Somewhere, in a dark room, Kristen Stewart is seething furious over the career she thought she’d have but Jennifer Lawrence got instead. But Kristen got the cackliest Maleficient cackle in yesterday when Jennifer won Best Actress at The Oscars.
As J.Law went up to get a Best Actress...
6 tags
Eight actresses to appear at Oscars "technically...
In the fight to bag the most sought after couture and look the skinniest at the 2013 Academy Awards, eight young actresses will appear at the awards show technically dead, LA-Deli has learned.
The actresses, who will remain un-named, have not been eating for the past six months in preparation for the Oscars. Whilst this isn’t unusual, and many other actresses have experienced “a...
3 tags
David Guetta changing career to become an artist.
Professional destroyer of souls David Guetta has revealed to the BBC that he is quitting his current mission of single-handedly ruining pop music to instead become “an artist”.
The revelation was hidden amongst an article which appeared on the BBC’s website profiling the alleged ‘news’ that over 1 million British idiots had downloaded Guetta’s most prolific...
4 tags
Britney Spears' managers don't know who they are...
Britney Spears’s managers may be on the verge of a breakdown after it has come to the attention of Britney’s 24 Million twitter followers that the manager who runs her account spends most of his time tweeting at her dog.
Just to clarify then, Britney’s dog has a twitter account that often tweets back to the @britneyspears account. But sometimes just tweets random shit.
In a...
6 tags
British men don't want to do it with a biscuit or...
Kirsten Stewart has always reminded me of a soggy biscuit limply shuffling through every scene like she’s been dunked in a milky mug and British men agree.
The exceptionally unpleasant and definitely un-necessary poll in which British men were asked to name the least sexy Hollywood actresses was run by something called MenKind, a Gadget shop for men. As such it’s really the ideal...
6 tags
It's exceptionally difficult being a rich...
Kelly Brook has joined a long line of celebrities suffering from an extremely dangerous condition named ‘Celebrityitis’ in which they entirely lose touch of reality, usually around the time they forget what the inside of a Tescos looks like.
After being attacked by Cosmetic Surgery Royalty Katie Price who called her a big fat whale, Kelly took to journalistic cornerstone OK...
1 tag
Incase you didn't get the message already
Here is a promotional image from Beyonce’s upcoming tour.
So you know, just so you get it, BEYONCE IS THE QUEEN OF EVERYTHING,
January 2013
3 posts
4 tags
Beyonce is going to eat Kelly Clarkson
Kelly Clarkson was also at the Inauguration Ceremony in which she sung the bastard child of “God Save the Queen” which Americans like to style as “My Country Tis Of Thee” whatever the hell that means. Kelly sang her heart out about freedom, patriotism, flags ETC! For Obama and the rest of the only country in the world who can listen to this song and not think about a bunch...
7 tags
Beyonce got hers and got OUT.
Beyonce’s past three years have basically been spent with her outside the White House door with cookies offering a massage to Obama with the knowledge that IF he gets re-elected, there’s going to be another strong black woman needed to SING SING SING the shit out of the Star Spangled Banner and undershadow the glamour that was Aretha Franklin. After sabotaging Christina at the...
7 tags
BREAKING: Staged Studio Dating Show is Staged.
If you’ve ever watched an episode of ITV & Talkback Thames’ flagship (Saturday night dating show called Take Me Out, then first of all, im sorry about that, and secondly you’ll know that the extremely organic events on the show are definitely and undoubtedly spur of the moment, and absolutely not pre-scripted speeches that transpire almost like clockwork in to send two...
December 2012
4 posts
3 tags
Kim Kardashian's ass is about to get bigger.
In important news HAPPY HOGMANAY! I hope you are totally drunk and reveling in the festivities when you read this message, because this is called a SHIT SANDWICH, in which i wrap some really terrible news in much better news. So as you read this, just remember all of the excitement you’ve felt over the festive season.
Kanye West has announced “girlfriend” Kim Kardashian is...
6 tags
Happy MIMI ASPEN SEASON!
It is the season to not be hungry, or so it goes for Moomi as she heads out ONCE AGAIN to the beautiful Aspen slopes in order to gift us the Festive Moments gift of her papped in a variety of snow-themed outfits whilst she spends approximately 0.00 hours on the actual slopes.
The entire purpose of Moomz heading to Aspen is so she can talk about “festive moments” on HSN but also...
6 tags
TOWIE Live
The reason i’ve taken so long to post these clips is that I’ve had to take a long time to re-evaluate my life after the television world CHANGED when TOWIE: Live aired in all it’s glory on ITV2. Never again would television producers strive to create movie-like production values knowing that with the budget of a fiat punto you can create such television wonders.
Towie LIVE...
8 tags
Heidi Montag clutches her pearls in fear of new...
Heidi Montag needs assistance ASAP because she’s fallen to the floor when she saw the raw talent and demure class of usurper Chloe Sims from The Only Way Is Essex debuting her superstar music career with a stunning rendition of Aqua’s Barbie Girl 100% LIVE on the television classic event trainwreck known as TOWIE: LIVE. Chloe really brought a new level of class and refined natural...
November 2012
25 posts
6 tags
Chris Brown continues to be just awful.
Chris Brown, already well known for his ability to bring dignity and class to any situation he enters, created another controversy on Twitter last night when he entered a flamewar with a disapproving female comedian before deleting his twitter account having written the line “Ask Rihanna if she mad?”
It all started with Chris Brown admitting that he looks haggard as fuck for the ripe...
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Beating the dead horse.
Sarah Jessica Parker meets the Queen.
6 tags
Clearly this is NOBODY'S BUSINESS.
Rihanna has been pretty busy lately. In between pissing off the world media and letting down her fans it’s a miracle she’s had time to do anything else. But Rihanna knows she owes some boring and offensive controversy to the world, and at least we can give her a high five for her A-Game in creating drama. Despite her relationship with Chris Brown being “NOBODIES BIDNESS”...
6 tags
EVERYONE'S DAY IS JUST RUINED NOW!
After seeing this breaking headline on UsWeekly about universally beloved sister-in-law of international icon and celebritay Heidi Montag’s marriage failing, the world falls to it’s feet and shouts “NO WHY GOD WHY! IS TRUE LOVE DEAD?”
Stephanie Pratt and Julien Chabbott (?) have divorced as the world STOPS in it’s tracks to re-evaluate life and consider what this...
7 tags
Rihanna probably didn't expect #rihannaplane
When Rihanna and her people sat down and devised the 777 world promotional tour for her new album I can imagine they thought it sounded like a really, really good idea.
Record Exec: “Hey guys, let’s shove a bunch of journalists in a luxury airliner to travel WITH RIHANNA and PARTY ALL AROUND THE WORLD as she plays shows in some HOT VENUES in SEVEN COUNTRIES over 7 DAYS!”
...
9 tags
Squints is all growed up.
I have no idea what the hell happened to Taylor Swift’s guitar, but she dropped it in a lake somewhere this weekend to try her very best at being Britney Spears for this years AMAs. I have to say, i did not hate it.
Taylor’s performance felt like a Backstreet Boys music video from the late 90s and I think at this stage everyone was just glad it wasn’t Nicki Minaj live again or...
8 tags
Christina Aguilera ft her train ass.
Christina Aguilera has always been a controversial figure who’s sparked much debate, such as “Will Christina Aguilera always be the Gretchen Wieners?” and “Is Christina Aguilera Snooki with light makeup on?” or “Is it really fair that Papa Johns is throwing in this free Christina Aguilera CD, can’t I just get a diet coke?” but debate took a new turn...
5 tags
Kim Kardashian uses Marine Corps Ball as a...
Kim Kardashian is the absolute #1 in A-Game fame whoring. If you told Kim she’d make $30 from selling a range of bottled piss, she’d do it! (and she did!) If you told Kim that she’d be able to get more famous by dating a gay rapper, she’d do it! (and she is!) and if you told Kim that she could play with the heart of an American hero to get a few column inches, she’d...
8 tags
When will the paparazzi LEAVE HEIDI ALONE!?!
Heidi Montag has always been a delicate wallflower growing out of the cracked pavements of LA. A real country girl at heart, all she craves is privacy and the simple pleasures of the great outdoors. So who can blame her for wanting to be near water that reminds her of the soothing brooks of her hometown?
Well the evil paparazzi who were called away from camping outside of Lindsay Lohan’s...
8 tags
Will.I.Am and Britney's new song leaks
So Brit Brit and her bestie Will.I.Am have made a new club track that will give you nightmares. This track is seriously a hard case of BORING with a side of BLAH.
Britney is allegedly featured on this song, but trying to find her voice within the layers of production is like trying to find a cheese grit in an British restaurant, which is exactly where Brit Brit thinks she is because she puts on...
8 tags
Britney Spears is looking really hot right now.
So Britney Spears has had a bit of a rollercoaster in terms of how cute she’s been looking over the past few years, but for her latest X-Factor appearances on the live shows i’ve gotta give her a slow hand clap, because obviously she’s been up at the gym just werkin on her fitness.
Daddy Spears has obviously moved the ham chops to another table and Jason Trawick stumbled upon...
5 tags
Some HOT Glamour for your Friday. →
Buzzfeed brings us some of the most glamorous flowers of our time, including Cheese Model Lady, Coathair lady, and lady taking a picture of herself with a stick…lady.
None can match the glamour or elegance of BAG MAN though
though honourable mention goes to this potential ASSSASIN
5 tags
LA-Deli.ORG Is back
Real quick good news before rest because I’ve overdosed on working too hard just like Lindsay Lohan…
I finally shelled out ten whole dollars so we can rehouse our tumblr at LA-DELI.ORG, our old home. Hurrah! Feels cosy, like Monique’s legs after a cold winter. Former glory, RESTORED.
Please tell all your friends. Or i’ll punch you in the FUPA.
Thanks, Readers!
5 tags
Blossom got an injection of GLAMOUR.
Dr. Mayim Bialik, aka BLOSSOM aka one half of the only funny acting pair in the BIG SHIT THEORY (The other half being the chick from 8 Simple Rules) often turns up to red carpet events looking like a hippy librarian who could really use an accident with a tweezer and a stylist who tells her that mustard is NEVER IN SEASON.
Well, colour me Bialik because it looks like our favourite flower on a...
20 tags
2012's Most Powerful Popstars
It’s almost the end of 2012 (not really) but it IS the time where people totally ignore the fact we have two calendar months left before both
A. Artists stop selling albums that qualify as being part of the year
and
B. The world ends because its the Kardashians will finally reveal their devious endgame as the rapture opens.
So it’s clearly time for us to hastenly crown the most...
4 tags
Jennifer Garner may star in a movie that doesn't...
Jennifer Garner looks like she’s maybe signed up for a movie that isn’t going to be either total trash (Arthur) or nobody will go see (Butter).
“The Dallas Buyers Club” stars Matthew McConaughey (ugh) as an AIDS patient and is based on a true story. It actually is shaping up pretty nicely with great directing and acting talent attached, and since McConaughey is going...
5 tags
WAT.
Have a look at these pictures of mass hysteria in Westfield Shopping centre and take a guess at who it was all for.
Bieber?
Britney?
Taylor Swift?
One Direction maybe?
Well stock up your bomb shelter and pray as the rapture approaches, because this scene of absolute madness in which girls fainted and had to be RESCUED FROM THE MOTHERFUCKING CROW was for none other than three wet farts...
6 tags
Real Celebrity Quote Posters: Paris Hilton
Paris Hilton. Relevance? Diminished. Stupidity? Still On Point.
Download Poster
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Real Celebrity Quote Posters: Lindsay Lohan
As part of the new refreshed LA Deli I have decided to give you something for your cubicles as you stare day after day at the bare confines of those empty grey walls other than pictures of Ben Affleck from 1997. Well fear no more, my chums. I bring thee
The Real Celebrity Quote Poster Series!
A series of simple, but effective posters suitable for any workplace with useful life mottos. To get...
5 tags
Internet will Collapse: Bieber and some chick...
I was going to start this article with “This generation’s Britney and Justin” but then I slapped myself and had a long hard think about life. I’m tired. I am so sorry to have failed you and myself as a person. Let’s move on.
This generation’s Melissa Etheridge and Tammy Llyn Michaels known as Justin Bieber and That Hispanic Chick Who Dates Justin Bieber have...
4 tags
THIS BITCH.
In a break from Regular Programming, known as Lindsay Lohan being charged for a crime she will never do time for, we bring you this article which is mainly comprised of sheer fuckery but also heavily features in the areas of eye-rolling, shaking your head and remembering 2002 as “better days”.
Rihanna has announced that she will be once-again dueting with the biggest deuce in the...
5 tags
Shocking Twist: Alex Reid has gay drag flings.
Ever since the breakup of gentle English rose Chantelle Houghton and her destined true love (and previously also destined true love of Jordan and A Bin) Alex Reid the nation has been on the edge of our seat. Why would such a natural and organic romance full of hope have collapsed? How can we get over the failure of the nation’s sweethearts one true family dream, representing dreams of...
2 tags
Sharon Stone is now 104.
Sharon Stone recently took a break from flashing her titties like a 24 year old stripper in Paris to take the advice that she was “dressing too young” seriously. Sharon knew that it was time to take of the leather trousers, and so at the Lupus LA event, she debuted an elegant and demure new look which she calls “La femme d’or” or “The Golden Girl”.
...
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Britney Spears is Keeshing Out.
Britney Spears has met Ke$ha a number of times, which figures given that she features on her remix to “Till the World Ends” which was ALSO WRITTEN BY KE$HA.
However, Brit Brit doesn’t let little things like “remembering names” or “giving a shit about anything for $15 Million” get her down, as she demonstrated last night on the second live show for...
4 tags
Britney Spears doesn't run off / defecate on live...
Britney Spears appearing on live television six years ago. You’d have been cheaper to buy a rabid possum and let it run riot around a television set. But Britney has been heavily medicated sort-of-sane for years now, so when the media were gearing up for her live debut they were treating it like Hurricane Britney had just collided with a crazy front and would almost definitely squat on the...
October 2012
4 posts
1 tag
Britney Spears as a witch in new X-Factor Promo
The giggle at the end of this X-Factor promo is basically worth the entire $15 Million they paid Britney Spears. Waiting for someone to make a 10 minute loop of it.
6 tags
Jessica Simpson's dad is maybe gay.
You know as a kid I used to go on about how hot Pamela Anderson was to hide my secret Steve Guttenberg crush (Not ashamed). Given that Pamela Anderson didn’t always look like a cracked out chain-smoking waitress on route 66, it kind of worked. Probably not so much today…
Anyway, it turns out what I was doing at 12 is the same thing as Pastor Joe Simpson has been doing with his...
