In a shocking development that will have vapid fans freaking out incase she’s on the path to shaving her head again, Britney Spears has gone brunette and turned up to something wearing a gown. AN ACTUAL GOWN. WHICH DOESN’T SHOW LEG.
Sure im mixed on this look as a whole, because the cut on her arms is really unflattering and her makeup and hair just don’t go with a black dress, so in the end it kind of looks like she’s dressing up for Halloween as Glamorous Morticia Adams, but … it IS glamorous and for Britney Spears to look glamorous is kind of like, the biggest story from the entire Oscars.
So basically Jennifer Lawrence is amazing and brilliant and we all love her, we really really love her. Somewhere, in a dark room, Kristen Stewart is seething furious over the career she thought she’d have but Jennifer Lawrence got instead. But Kristen got the cackliest Maleficient cackle in yesterday when Jennifer won Best Actress at The Oscars.
As J.Law went up to get a Best Actress Oscar at the ripe old age of 22 she fell flat on her motherfuckin face! Coming just weeks after her dress fell apart at the Screen Actors Guild Awards, someone needs to sit Jennifer’s stylist down and tell her ass that she needs to wear Diane Keaton’s cast-off pant suits at all times.
In other Oscar news, not much surprising happened anywhere, Anne Hathaway won Best Supporting Actress in the biggest surprise to no one ever and least of all Anne Hathaway’s mirror, to which she’d practiced this speech since she could first speak.
Ben Affleck basically called his marriage “work” in accepting Best Picture for Argo. Just to remind you, his wife looks like this…
Yeah dude, you’ll never be just like us when your wife is Jennifer Garner. I’m happy for these two though, because if anyones deserving of Hollywood Royalty status is not those two squished tampons Brangelina, it’s these regular down to earth farmers market loving freaks. Sure Ben’s probably cheated on Jen more times than you can shake everything at, and she deserves better than Blake Lively but at the end of the day I still like them together.
Daniel Day Lewis became the first actor to win the Best Actor statue three times and people are now calling him the male Meryl Streep, to which Meryl Streep had 0 singular fucks to give as she was too busy wearing Las Vegas as her dress.
As per usual the Oscars dragged on with technical awards to all the “non specials” who of course, actually make the specials special.
Ang Lee for example, won Best Director for “Life of Pi” in which he made a kid and a fake tiger on a boat interesting for 120 Minutes.
Literally no one gave a twat about the category of Best Supporting Actor this year because Anne Hathaway was too busy on the warpath to her own Oscar to share any limelight in the field of SUPPORTING. If Anne DID share any of that glory it would have went to the dude who won, Christoph Waltz for “Django Unchained”. Chrissy is kind of Tarantino’s new Uma Thurman right now, so he got his.
Because no one posts the fucking Oscar results in a way you can easily copy and paste, just head over to Oscars.com to see all the techy stuff.
In the fight to bag the most sought after couture and look the skinniest at the 2013 Academy Awards, eight young actresses will appear at the awards show technically dead, LA-Deli has learned.
The actresses, who will remain un-named, have not been eating for the past six months in preparation for the Oscars. Whilst this isn’t unusual, and many other actresses have experienced “a couple of heart failures”, eight of the most dedicated actresses have passed away due in large part to excessive juice cleansing, laxatives and salad poking.
The actresses, some of whom are nominated for awards, will still appear though and have been pre-posed by their publicists for red carpet duties. “She looks fabulous, and after a mystic tan she’ll look pretty much the same as she does alive” said one.
After their red-carpet moment, they’ll immediately be taken to an resuscitation room especially established by The Academy for just this kind of low calorie revival. Within the resus room I’m told there will also be a McDonalds stand, and two thousand Krispy Kreme donuts which are expected to be inhaled by the actresses on their revival, only to be later purged in a moment of shame-filled self loathing in Mickey Rourke’s bathroom.
The publicist for one of the deceased told LA Deli “My client can’t really act for shit, so the only thing she’s known for is looking kind of like a birch branch who wears Oscar De La Renta . Just before she passed out, she said that if she didn’t make it, make sure I didn’t angle her to the right, because her right hand side is her fat side. “
Fashion insiders have already predicted all 8 of the actresses will top the best dressed lists because they’ve already been acclaimed for all of their Awards seasons choices thus far, during the period when their insides were eating themselves. “We prefer the ‘series of coathangers wrangling together under some satin’ look this year” commented a fashion insider.
Professional destroyer of souls David Guetta has revealed to the BBC that he is quitting his current mission of single-handedly ruining pop music to instead become “an artist”.
The revelation was hidden amongst an article which appeared on the BBC’s website profiling the alleged ‘news’ that over 1 million British idiots had downloaded Guetta’s most prolific torture device, “Titanium” in order to self-harm their eardrums whilst sweating in Fitness First gyms across the country.
Guetta said of the achievement that “It’s incredible. It took me a long time to break into the UK as an artist. A decade”. A statement which suggests that Guetta’s secret change in career has long been in the planing stages.
The news will no doubt come as a shock to all of his collaborators within his axis of evil. Kelly Rowland was said to be “inconsolable” at the news that she will never again smell the fiscally unrewarding scent of a UK Top ten single.
One can only hope that when he starts making public his new artistic works, that they involve watercolours and the Cotswolds. Godspeed, Guetta. Godspeed.
Britney Spears’s managers may be on the verge of a breakdown after it has come to the attention of Britney’s 24 Million twitter followers that the manager who runs her account spends most of his time tweeting at her dog.
Just to clarify then, Britney’s dog has a twitter account that often tweets back to the @britneyspears account. But sometimes just tweets random shit.
In a perfect world, we could assume Britney has lost it again and created a twitter account for her dog to keep her company and now spends her days photoshopping turds onto The National Enquirer and eating rubber ducks.
Yet everyone knows Britney Spears is much too busy rubbing perfectly reasonable gym-wear into puddles of grease to even know what the hell Twitter is.
This means that through the powers of deduction, the manager running the @britneyspears account is tweeting as Britney Spears to anothermanager running the @hannahspears account, who is tweeting as a fucking dog.
All in all, you can see why girlfriend fucking lost her shit in the first place.
Kirsten Stewart has always reminded me of a soggy biscuit limply shuffling through every scene like she’s been dunked in a milky mug and British men agree.
The exceptionally unpleasant and definitely un-necessary poll in which British men were asked to name the least sexy Hollywood actresses was run by something called MenKind, a Gadget shop for men. As such it’s really the ideal in terms of men qualified to judge Hollywood actresses based on their appearance.
Sarah Jessica Parker was amongst the other actresses declared hideous by the websites fat-fingered clients,l who took a break from ordering such items as a Star Wars Jedi Dressing Gown and a pole dancing alarm clock, to say no to horse meat.
Additionally fugly is Tilda Swinton, Uma Thurman and even Lucy Lui, so essentially any woman who looks like they wouldn’t take agree to a foot massage when the pole dancing alarm clock goes off.
Kelly Brook has joined a long line of celebrities suffering from an extremely dangerous condition named ‘Celebrityitis’ in which they entirely lose touch of reality, usually around the time they forget what the inside of a Tescos looks like.
After being attacked by Cosmetic Surgery Royalty Katie Price who called her a big fat whale, Kelly took to journalistic cornerstone OK Magazine to defend herself (because responding to Katie Price is always rational) and in the process exposed the full-blown celebrityitis that she is currently suffering.
She said “It’s hard being 33-years-old and still modelling”.
Kelly is right, standing around in your pants in beautiful hotels whilst teams of people fawn over you and make you look the best you possibly can must be really really difficult at the ripe old age of 33. Kelly should definitely look at retiring to a much easier way of life, like being a lumberjack, or a brain surgeon.
Spare a thought for insanely beautiful and rich celebrities across the land tonight, who have to struggle on with their incredibly difficult jobs of talking about themselves and also smiling sometimes.