Kelly Clarkson was also at the Inauguration Ceremony in which she sung the bastard child of “God Save the Queen” which Americans like to style as “My Country Tis Of Thee” whatever the hell that means. Kelly sang her heart out about freedom, patriotism, flags ETC! For Obama and the rest of the only country in the world who can listen to this song and not think about a bunch of Corgis.
The big problem with Kelly’s performance is that THERE WAS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG AT ALL with Kelly’s performance. Nearby,Beyonce’s ears pricked up and her eye lids exploded open in fury as she realized her perfect plan to become America’s #1 4 lyfe had a fatal flaw shaped kind of a lot like Kelly Clarkson
Kelly sang this song so hard it literally fell apart at the end and would only be unbroken by careful nursing from Kelly herself. Beyonce is going to flip the fuck out when she sees how Obama praised Kelly. Beyonce didn’t get shit like that! She is going to punch Obama right in the nuts for this.
Beyonce’s past three years have basically been spent with her outside the White House door with cookies offering a massage to Obama with the knowledge that IF he gets re-elected, there’s going to be another strong black woman needed to SING SING SING the shit out of the Star Spangled Banner and undershadow the glamour that was Aretha Franklin. After sabotaging Christina at the Superbowl, Beyonce would laugh manically at the end of every rehearsal she’d do every night to her mirror to her own star spangled banner and whisper “Soon, my precious” before she’d go to bed.
Well at the Inauguration Ceremony, ALL OF HER DREAMS CAME TRUE and her plan went PERFECTLY as Beyonce did SANG SANG SANG the song out of the park and then steered it gently back in again before throwing it a towel and some change for a cab. The only thing missing from this performance was Beyonce extending her angel wings and being given the Archangel crown before ascending back to heaven.
She mercifully didn’t go through every vocal run ever (XTINA SIDE-EYING) but the very best part was at the end when Obama went in for his Marilyn moment and expected Beyowulf to give him a double cheek kiss, but that bitch threw her mic at the nearest peon, shafted Obama’s second kiss and shouted “CAB PLEASE” because she’s got a Royal Baby Party to start rehearsing for and DON’T HAVE TIME FO THIS.
If you’ve ever watched an episode of ITV & Talkback Thames’ flagship (Saturday night dating show called Take Me Out, then first of all, im sorry about that, and secondly you’ll know that the extremely organic events on the show are definitely and undoubtedly spur of the moment, and absolutely not pre-scripted speeches that transpire almost like clockwork in to send two people with more fake tan and drawn on abs than a Mariah Carey music video to Tenerife to humiliate themselves.
HOWEVER. IN A SHOCKING TWIST contestant Naomi Hewston, who appears on this Saturday’s episode of the show, implied that perhaps the blossoming seeds of true love sewn by the show’s producers aren’t being allowed time to grow and flourish.
Naomi said that when she was on the show, she was shocked, (SHOCKED!) to find that the whole thing was super staged and the shows producers “bullied” her into going on a date she wanted to be on as much as Paris Hilton wants to be around gay guys. She went on to say that, much to her surprise, the producers of a SATURDAY NIGHT TELEVISION SHOW actively encouraged her to make a fool of herself on-air. Naomi clearly was taken aback by all of this because she expected to come on and read excerpts of her poetry and discuss the entropy of our modern society on air, so being asked to jiggle & giggle was an undoubtedly upsetting left-fielder for her.
Naomi went on to slam the producers of the sister show “Take Me Out: The Gossip” (UGH!) as she said they staged and edited VT reactions so they could create a story in which her date looked like he was dumping her, even though she was like, supes not into him.
So essentially, what Naomi is telling the world is that she is a dumb bitch who didn’t expect a VERY CLEARLY STAGED SATURDAY NIGHT SHOW to be, oh you know, staged. That’s like walking into the set of Made In Chelsea and being like “So when do we all have sleepovers at each other’s houses?”
In important news HAPPY HOGMANAY! I hope you are totally drunk and reveling in the festivities when you read this message, because this is called a SHIT SANDWICH, in which i wrap some really terrible news in much better news. So as you read this, just remember all of the excitement you’ve felt over the festive season.
Kanye West has announced “girlfriend” Kim Kardashian is pregnant with his first child. The part cottage-cheese, part gay-fish hybrid baby is currently growing inside Kim’s satanic womb and we can safely assume that stretch marks are about to be redefined and the founders of Spanx are ready to float an IPO higher than Facebooks with this news.
Kanye announced the news on-stage (because he’s a stunt queen) and Khloe Kardashian quickly hit twitter to rant about her excitement saying
“Keeping secrets is hard with so many family members! Especially when you are so freaking excited!!!”
Of course Khloe is excited because she’s finally going to have a baby to mother as her own and since she’s the last of her kind, she can pass down her chewbacca traditions.
In order to conclude my shit sandwich, I’d like to also say that Chestica Simpson is once again pregnant too, which is just spiffing for ChiChi spotters across the land. Queen of all Chests has already tweeted a picture of her magnificent tittaes and growing bump.
It is the season to not be hungry, or so it goes for Moomi as she heads out ONCE AGAIN to the beautiful Aspen slopes in order to gift us the Festive Moments gift of her papped in a variety of snow-themed outfits whilst she spends approximately 0.00 hours on the actual slopes.
The entire purpose of Moomz heading to Aspen is so she can talk about “festive moments” on HSN but also apparently to transport us back to the demure times of the 1980s when crimped perms and, uhm, checkerboard dresses with…corset belts?!? were totally in!?
I dont know what the hell is happening here but what i DO know is that a Butterfly Maester named Gi’ca-Cachoo definitely had a lot to do with it. And yes, he is only summoned by drugs or insanity.
The reason i’ve taken so long to post these clips is that I’ve had to take a long time to re-evaluate my life after the television world CHANGED when TOWIE: Live aired in all it’s glory on ITV2. Never again would television producers strive to create movie-like production values knowing that with the budget of a fiat punto you can create such television wonders.
Towie LIVE redefined what amazing television is, and did so with missed cue after missed cue, sloppy back turnings from cameras, and the glorious Nanny Pat telling arg to “loose some weight”. Nothing says “constructed reality” like crew literally walking onto the set to redirect flailing idiots and cast members forgetting each other’s names.
Heidi Montag needs assistance ASAP because she’s fallen to the floor when she saw the raw talent and demure class of usurper Chloe Sims from The Only Way Is Essex debuting her superstar music career with a stunning rendition of Aqua’s Barbie Girl 100% LIVE on the television classic event trainwreck known as TOWIE: LIVE. Chloe really brought a new level of class and refined natural elegance to the whole affair which was already a A+ in sheekness and slick television magique.
Chris Brown, already well known for his ability to bring dignity and class to any situation he enters, created another controversy on Twitter last night when he entered a flamewar with a disapproving female comedian before deleting his twitter account having written the line “Ask Rihanna if she mad?”
It all started with Chris Brown admitting that he looks haggard as fuck for the ripe old age of 23 (WHICH HE DOES) to which Jenny Johnson replied….(BEWARE, FOLLOWING LANGUAGE NSFW)
