Sarah Jessica Parker meets the Queen. 

Rihanna has been pretty busy lately. In between pissing off the world media and letting down her fans it’s a miracle she’s had time to do anything else. But Rihanna knows she owes some boring and offensive controversy to the world, and at least we can give her a high five for her A-Game in creating drama. Despite her relationship with Chris Brown being “NOBODIES BIDNESS” according to their dumb, poorly conceived song,here she is making it OUR BUSINESS YET AGAIN by tweeting this picture of him shirtless on her bed.

Yeah i can see how this is really nobodies business! Rihanna is the kind of person who says “OH YO KNO I JUST WAHNT SOME PREEVACY TO LIV MAH LYFE” and then takes a dump on the street in-front of TMZ’s headquarters. 

If Chris Brown was some super hot sexual shaman with magical eyes and muscles for miles i’d totally be more forgiving of Rihanna shoving this horrific and degrading reunion back in our faces, but can I just say…

I’m not saying Chris Brown is a drug addict, but what i will do is ask you to look at this picture again.

After seeing this breaking headline on UsWeekly about universally beloved sister-in-law of international icon and celebritay Heidi Montag’s marriage failing, the world falls to it’s feet and shouts “NO WHY GOD WHY! IS TRUE LOVE DEAD?”

Stephanie Pratt and Julien Chabbott (?) have divorced as the world STOPS in it’s tracks to re-evaluate life and consider what this means for their own relationships. 

UsWeekly did an amazing job securing this exclusive scoop, I just know that other similar magazines such as People and Toilet Paper were desperate to feature this shocker on their frontpages and scoop millions of new readers eager to find out what exactly went wrong.

Unfortunately even the insanely talented like Stephanie Pratt are not immune to the sad autumn of love, where just one assault of a police officer can turn that autumn to a cold, lonely winter.

When Rihanna and her people sat down and devised the 777 world promotional tour for her new album I can imagine they thought it sounded like a really, really good idea.

Record Exec: “Hey guys, let’s shove a bunch of journalists in a luxury airliner to travel WITH RIHANNA and PARTY ALL AROUND THE WORLD as she plays shows in some HOT VENUES in SEVEN COUNTRIES over 7 DAYS!”

Record Exec 2: “Sounds amazing! Absolutely! Onboard! Rihanna is so cool and edgy right now!”

Seat with Rihanna’s name on it without Rihanna there: “…..”

And therein lies the first and most glaringly obvious issue with the whole concept of Rihanna’s promotional tour. In order to woo journalists and media, she’d actually have to, you know, be there.

Unfortunately Rihanna’s media tour-de-force has turned into the perfect storm of hilarious musicwriting nightmare for literally everyone onboard her 777 Tour as it nears its end with tweets tagged #rihannaplane highlighting the desperate measures that the tour has come to, which essentially boils down to everyone ending up hating Rihanna and wondering how the fuck they can depart her tour ASAP. 

Rihanna’s public image is taking a hammering from the journos who are now going for the jugular and highlighting Rihanna’s lazy, bored, distant and potentially drugged out performances, terrible timekeeping and complete absence from actually being on the plane. Specifically pissing the journalists off is Rihanna’s inability to perform onstage anywhere near ontime effectively meaning they sit on buses on the tarmac of airports for hours without water, a toilet or any access to their work tools and end up having next to no sleep at all.

Also, probably an error: Inviting journalists to a worldwide seven day tour in which they have to watch the same motherfucking show over and over again. Literally the entirety of Rihanna’s loosey-goosey too cool for school girlishness turns out to be totally rehearsed and pre-scripted. 

For more on all the hilarious failings of this promo tour, seek out #rihannaplane on twitter. We’re hearing things got so wild on the plane that the record label execs had to ask everyone to calm down and sent out more free booze to try and win them over.

I have no idea what the hell happened to Taylor Swift’s guitar, but she dropped it in a lake somewhere this weekend to try her very best at being Britney Spears for this years AMAs. I have to say, i did not hate it.

Taylor’s performance felt like a Backstreet Boys music video from the late 90s and I think at this stage everyone was just glad it wasn’t Nicki Minaj live again or another performance of Rihanna strutting up and down a stage. She even got down on the ground and did things on the floor that made you feel dirty because in everyone’s minds shes still like 16.

Whatever the Hell a Nicki Minaj Is and Justin Bieber served us up some shaky-ass-vocals and some Chris Hansen flavors of wrong as the Beebz tried to dry hump up upon whatever the hell that Minaj is to their broke ass collaboration which is basically the new pinnacle of musical bankruptcy. A plastic doll and another plastic doll drag the name of your favourite Disney classic through the mud.

Britney Spears wasn’t in attendance, but id imagine her reaction to the above performance would have looked a little something like this

Christina Aguilera has always been a controversial figure who’s sparked much debate, such as “Will Christina Aguilera always be the Gretchen Wieners?” and “Is Christina Aguilera Snooki with light makeup on?” or “Is it really fair that Papa Johns is throwing in this free Christina Aguilera CD, can’t I just get a diet coke?” but debate took a new turn after this weekends American Music Awards, AND THAT TURN WAS BIG.

In a night that would otherwise have been simply yet another awards show in which the presence of Christina Aguilera was undetectable in everywhere but the men’s bathroom, Christina brought a companion in her new train-sized ass along to the party to play and instantly hit headlines worldwide. That crafty ass!

It’s a pretty big coup for Xtina this year, because she’s not selling CDs any more, so giving birth to the most gloriously epic celebrity ass of all time must be some consolation to Xtina.

I’m sure Xtina will harp on about positive body image and how she’s not afraid to be the woman she really is etc etc, but let’s not forget this is the same troll who was in chaps shaking her exposed ass whilst looking like two twiglets having a fight with a rasta wig to sell CDs a few years ago and making girls across the world feel like heffers in the process. 

I guarantee you BansheeTina will be 6stone 2lbs by next Christmas and she’ll talk to People about how she “just felt so unhealthy” and “feels so much cleaner now since her trainer started measuring her meals”. Next!

Kim Kardashian is the absolute #1 in A-Game fame whoring. If you told Kim she’d make $30 from selling a range of bottled piss, she’d do it! (and she did!) If you told Kim that she’d be able to get more famous by dating a gay rapper, she’d do it! (and she is!) and if you told Kim that she could play with the heart of an American hero to get a few column inches, she’d do it (And you know where this is going)

Popbytes reports that Kim managed to fit her disgusting sausage ass into the above dress to attend the Marine Corps Ball by invitation in much the same way as everyone famous who has a decent heart already did.

Kim naturally only stayed until the photos were all basically taken and then she told Sergeant Martin that the publicity was fun and they should do it again sometime if he’s ever in a life-threatening situation that puts her in absolutely no harm, but in which she can save his life.

Martin was totally stoked that Kim even showed up, which is pretty sad. Martin is saving the lives of thousands and he wants his date to a ball to be a walking human suppository? Shit Martin, you are better than this! If you wanted Kim Kardashian to attend your ball, why not just get a few sacks of trash, stuff them into some spanx, spray some toilet water on it and throw a MAC counter at it. Get a hooker to rub her genitals all over it, sit an Iphone ontop and download the Baby Speak app and you’ll be good to go. 

Heidi Montag has always been a delicate wallflower growing out of the cracked pavements of LA. A real country girl at heart, all she craves is privacy and the simple pleasures of the great outdoors. So who can blame her for wanting to be near water that reminds her of the soothing brooks of her hometown?

Well the evil paparazzi who were called away from camping outside of Lindsay Lohan’s house by Heidi who offered them $30 by the siren call of sheer natural beauty to the beaches just cannot seem to leave Heidi alone.

It’s not Heidi’s fault that she is trying to get her vitamin d fix in a public space. Heidi, like the rest of us, is facing difficult financial times, so private islands are not an option! The paparazzi should be ashamed of themselves for invading the much-prized privacy of this intriguing and incredibly shy public figure.

Heidi said 

“My priorities are my family, my husband, my love life and my happiness and everything after that is great….My priorities are not money, fame and fashion.”

Now some of you might point to Heidi’s smash hit single “Fashion” and ask Heidi why she’d sing a song about fashion if she didn’t care about it, or perhaps point to her multiple songs about being famous and ask “why, heidi, why?” but it’s clear to me that Heidi’s mind is transcendent of personal experience, and absorbs the hurt and feelings of those all over the world. Truly relatable lyrics written for a generation.

Now can everyone just get off the beach and leave Heidi ALONE. Behind every smile is the angst of a woman just desperate for her privacy in a media world obsessed with her every move.